As Ning Wanshuang mentioned her wasted true love, Xiao Jingheng was struck with a sense of bewilderment.
He recalled his former self, how he had yearned so desperately for love and to be loved, yet in the end, all he sought was unfulfilled.
He let out a bitter laugh and sighed, "In this life, people constantly pursue love and self-actualization. If one cannot be attained, they become even more fixated on grasping the other.
From a young age, I craved love but never received it, so I focused all my thoughts on becoming an heir apparent, a wise ruler. I wanted everyone in this world to bow before me, I... didn't want to be looked down upon anymore."
He gazed out the window,
watching as the fresh rain dyed the deep red walls the color of blood, suddenly feeling as though it was a surging sea of blood that would drown and submerge him.
Palace maidens often said, "Once you enter the palace gates, it's as deep as the sea," confining their entire lives within these four walls.
But he, at the center of the vortex of power, was he not also trapped within it?
In the end, the imperial authority he had pursued his entire life was merely exchanging one prison for another.
And this prison was commonly known as desire.
Xiao Jingheng said in a melancholic tone, "My birth mother was jealous and overbearing, she slaughtered the concubines and imperial heirs, causing the Former Emperor to despise and execute her.
The Former Emperor rejected my mother, and by extension, me, as he did not favor me.
I still remember when I was nine years old, accompanying the Former Emperor to the autumn hunt. I fell from my horse and broke my right leg, the pain was excruciating. But the Former Emperor merely glanced at me from his saddle, coldly remarking 'useless' before personally leading my Fourth Brother and the others on the hunt."
Recounting this buried memory, Xiao Jingheng sounded as fragile as a child, his voice gradually weakening, slightly choked with sobs,
"I will never forget the way he looked at me then, so cold, so disdainful, as if he wished I were not his son."
He tightly closed his eyes, forcefully holding back the moisture gathering in his eyes.
When he opened them again, his gaze was filled with a grayish desolation.
"And then there was the Empress Dowager. She treated me well, to the point that I always felt she truly regarded me as her own flesh and blood. But one day, I overheard her telling the Former Emperor, 'Jingheng's thoughts are too heavy, his temperament is simply unsuitable to be an heir apparent. Jinglian or Jing Xuan would be far better choices.'
Only then did I realize that all her kindness towards me was merely superficial. She would make Fourth Brother practice martial arts in the rain while allowing me to rest in the palace, claiming it was to prevent me from falling ill in the rain.
When I studied by candlelight at night, she would bring me milk laced with a sedative, insisting I drink it and sleep early, concerned I would overtax myself. Yet she permitted Fourth Brother to read until dawn without a moment's rest...
I knew then that Fourth Brother was her true son whom she pinned her hopes on, while I was merely the 'leftover' of a 'monstrous concubine.' In her eyes, providing me with food and clothing was already treating me extremely well. In return, I had to become a qualified ornament, an ornament to highlight Fourth Brother's superiority.
It was then that I understood a truth - after my birth mother's death, no one in this world would truly love me. Anyone who claimed to love me had ulterior motives."
His voice grew weaker, to the point that even though Ning Wanshuang was right beside him, she had to strain to hear some of his words.
"So... I no longer wished to give my true heart to others, nor did I hope for anyone's sincere affection. What I aimed for was to climb step by step to the highest position. I always thought that as long as I became the Son of Heaven, no one in this world would defy me or look down on me. The higher one climbs, the lonelier it is, so those in power do not need love. But there was an unexpected development."
Xiao Jingheng shifted his gaze back from the window to Ning Wanshuang's face,
smiling as purely as when they first met, untainted by any impurities.
"The unexpected was that I met you. You showed me that I was still worthy of being wholeheartedly loved. It's just a pity that by then, I had no path of return. Your father and brothers knew the secret of how I attained the throne, so they had to die..."
"It was too late... everything was too late..." Xiao Jingheng shook his head in anguish. Suddenly, he tightly grasped Ning Wanshuang's hand and asked in a pleading tone he had never used before, "If there is a next life, and I am born into an ordinary family, would you still be willing to..."
He left the rest unspoken, too embarrassed to voice it.
Ning Wanshuang merely gazed at him silently, watching as he coughed up blood, went mad, and smiled.
"I know I have wronged you terribly, and you no longer wish to have anything to do with me. In this life, I have brought you suffering, and my stubborn pursuit has amounted to nothing but a dream..."
He lowered his head, his gaze fixed on the ink jade ring adorning his right thumb,
the only gift the Former Emperor had given him, and a piece of jewelry he had never removed for over a decade.
Now, Xiao Jingheng gently caressed the ring.
His movements slowed bit by bit, his breathing calmed inch by inch, as if he had simply fallen asleep.
It was only when he became completely still that Ning Wanshuang leaned down and rested her head on his chest.
The familiar, powerful heartbeat from before was now eerily silent.
She slowly closed her eyes as tears flowed uncontrollably, murmuring a disconnected phrase,
"Wanshuang... is willing."
