How other people fall in love, Cheng Jinlan didn't know. Anyway, her love life, as Jiang Meng said, was as good as not having one at all. Even in a long distance relationship, there were ways to keep the romance alive—morning wake-up calls to say hi, texts every three minutes asking what the other person was up to, phone calls at night that made the phone burn hot. But you two were different. Your relationship couldn't even be considered Platonic. You relied solely on telepathy.
Cheng Jinlan thought Jiang Meng's assessment was spot on.
Ever since the winter break ended, their contact hadn't been very frequent. If they managed a call once a day, that was considered a lot. Their conversations never lasted more than ten sentences before they petered out. Later on, they couldn't even get past five sentences.
In the beginning after school started again, she knew he was very busy. If he didn't message her, she would call him in the evening to check in. She wasn't an overly sensitive person, but she could hear the perfunctory tone in his voice. As soon as he started blowing her off, she lost the motivation to take the initiative anymore. No matter how busy he was, if he didn't even have time for a phone call, it was simply that he didn't want to, not that he couldn't.
In fact, relationships are inherently unstable in the initial stage, and breaking up can happen very easily. All it takes is using busyness as an excuse to slowly let the connection fade away.
Cheng Jinlan thought, the next time he called, she would suggest they break up. Their relationship was as good as nonexistent anyway, so what was the point of continuing it? Cheng Jinchuan was right that she shouldn't expect anything good to come out of her first love. She never expected there would be a happy ending anyway. She would simply treat it as a life experience.
That day after class, his name suddenly lit up her phone screen. It had been two or three days since their last call—rare for him to still be able to find her number. Cheng Jinlan stuffed her books into her backpack one by one and zipped it up. The call was still connected as she pressed to answer. Shao Chengze was quite free today, which was unusual. Cheng Jinlan lifted the phone to her ear but didn't say anything.
After a few seconds of silence, Shao Chengze spoke, "I'm at your school gate now. If you're free tonight, can we have dinner together?"
His tone didn't sound like a boyfriend coming to see his girlfriend, but more like someone asking a business associate out for a meal. She wanted to say she was too busy and had no time at all, but eventually still made her way to the school gate.
He was leaning against his car spacing out, ignoring the passing pedestrians who stared at him. The cigarette between his fingers had nearly burned out.
Cheng Jinlan walked up to him before he snapped back to reality.
"You're here," Shao Chengze stubbed out the cigarette in his hand as he saw her.
"Mm," she looked up at him. "Why did you come by today?"
"I'm here on a business trip."
"Oh." Cheng Jinlan stopped playing with the strap of her bag and averted her eyes, losing any desire to keep talking.
The car ride was very quiet without even music to dispel the silence. Cheng Jinlan idly scrolled through her phone to distract herself. She wasn't actually focusing on what she was looking at, just trying to divert her attention. Shi Ran sent her a photo, which showed some green seedlings sprouting.
Cheng Jinlan replied, [Are these the vegetables we planted?]
[Yes, isn't it exciting how well they grew?]
During the winter break, Cheng Jinlan went abroad with Fei Zuhui and visited Shi Ran while they were there. He didn't come back for New Year, so Fei Zuhui was worried about him.
But Shi Ran was doing alright—he adapted well in other aspects, just couldn't handle the food with his Chinese stomach. Seeing the empty yard at Shi Ran's place, Fei Zuhui went to a Chinese supermarket and bought lots of vegetable seeds to plant. And they actually sprouted.
The corners of Cheng Jinlan's lips quirked up. [My mom is amazing. Did you send this to her too?]
[I did. Auntie Fei said she's going to start a farm now.]
Shao Chengze tapped his fingers on the steering wheel to the changing numbers of the red light. From the corner of his eye, he saw her smiling expression and glanced over. Seeing the name on the chat, his mouth tightened imperceptibly, and his gaze chilled.
The restaurant's location was very obscure, tucked away at the end of a narrow alley. It was difficult to drive in, so he parked by the roadside.
His hand reached over but Cheng Jinlan deliberately shifted away to avoid it. She didn't even pretend not to notice. She wanted him to know she didn't want him to hold her hand. After this meal, they would break up anyway.
The alley was narrow, but the distance between them was wide—wide enough to fit a bicycle through. Strangers probably would've thought they were two completely unrelated people. Their relationship now wasn't any better than that of strangers.
Cheng Jinlan really liked this restaurant and came to eat here often, every few days. The manager wanted to lead them to her usual spot, but Cheng Jinlan waved him off and asked for a private room instead. She still wanted to come back here in the future and didn't want to be reminded of a breakup every time she sat in her favorite spot.
The food came up quickly. He didn't speak, so Cheng Jinlan focused on eating. The server probably sensed the off atmosphere and, after refilling their tea once, swiftly left and thoughtfully shut the door.
The only sounds left in the private room were chopsticks clinking on bowls. Shao Chengze's irritation grew harder to restrain. He took out a cigarette from his pocket but placed it back down on the table.
"Miao Miao," he called her.
Cheng Jinlan looked up to see his face as pale as paper. She set down her chopsticks. "What's wrong?"
"My stomach hurts," he said, clutching his stomach. His eyes met hers weakly. "It really hurts."
Cheng Jinlan got up and went to his side. Seeing the cigarette pack, she grew angry. "Your stomach hurts yet you're still smoking? Get up, we're going to the hospital."
Shao Chengze grabbed her wrist. "Help me up, I can't get up on my own."
His palm was icy cold, and a sheen of sweat had formed on his forehead after just a short while. Cheng Jinlan grew anxious. She put her arm around his waist to support him. "Can you walk? I'll call the server to help."
Shao Chengze leaned heavily against her and clung tightly to her shoulders. "No need. I'll be fine once I stand up."
Cheng Jinlan drove quickly, glancing at him worriedly every now and then. Shao Chengze gently reassured her, "I'm alright, just focus on driving."
"Shut up," Cheng Jinlan glared at him.
After examining him, the doctor also looked like he wanted to glare. "You young people really take advantage of your youth to abuse your bodies. When you're old, let's see where you can buy regret medicine."
Shao Chengze held her hand obediently and listened to the doctor's lecture without complaint. After hearing the doctor, Cheng Jinlan threw him another glare—she should've driven slower earlier to make him suffer more. Maybe then he wouldn't dare do this again.
After two IV drips, it still wasn't too late. He kept holding her hand the entire time. When the nurse came to remove the IV needle, she glanced at them several times.
Cheng Jinlan jerked her hand away. "Let go. Let's go."
Shao Chengze grabbed her wrist and pulled her close, burying his face in her waist. After a long while, he finally spoke, "Miao Miao, today is my dad's birthday. I'm a little upset."
His voice was thick with sorrow. Cheng Jinlan stared at the crown of his head, and her hand hanging in midair finally landed on his head, gently stroking it a couple times.
On the drive back, she was still the one driving. Cheng Jinlan asked him, "Where's your hotel?"
"Drop me off first. I'm fine now, I can drive myself back to the hotel."
Since he said so, Cheng Jinlan drove straight back to school. She didn't really want to be alone right now, so she'd just sleep in the dorm tonight. He wanted to walk her to her dorm entrance, but Cheng Jinlan didn't allow it. "Go back early and rest."
After she walked away, Shao Chengze watched her retreating figure, unsure whether to breathe a sigh of relief. He knew what she wanted to say. He should say, he had been expecting her to say it all this time. Every phone call, he wondered if her next sentence would be it. And now that she was about to say it, he regretted it—no matter what happened later, at least for now he still couldn't let go.
Jiang Meng was surprised to see Cheng Jinlan come back. She knew her mysterious boyfriend had come by today. "Why are you back?"
Cheng Jinlan only asked her, "Do you still have that beer you hid?"
Jiang Meng's eyes lit up. She pulled a box out from under the bed and opened it to show Cheng Jinlan. "Not only is there beer, but also peanuts. Beer tastes better with peanuts."
The two of them sat on the balcony, each with a can of beer in hand. Jiang Meng had a lower alcohol tolerance than Cheng Jinlan. After half a can, her eyes were already hazy. She leaned on Cheng Jinlan's shoulder and hummed a song softly. Cheng Jinlan gently patted Jiang Meng's arm and continued drinking.
When Shao Chengze called, she was already drunk. It took her several tries to tap the screen and answer the phone. She had forgotten they were still fighting. She coquettishly asked why he was calling.
Shao Chengze's breathing hitched. "Have you been drinking?"
"What's it to you?"
Shao Chengze knew she was drunk.
"Where are you?"
Cheng Jinlan looked around. "I'm outside."
"What's around you?"
"There are windows, stars, and Jiang Meng."
Shao Chengze looked up at the lights upstairs. "Are you on the balcony?"
"Yeah, why did you call? If there's nothing, I'm hanging up. I want to keep drinking."
"I'm downstairs."
Cheng Jinlan's drunken mind was confused. "Which downstairs?"
"Your dorm building downstairs."
It took Cheng Jinlan a moment to process his words. She got up and went to the window. In the dim light of the streetlamps, she could make out a vague figure below. Even drunk, she could recognize it was him.
"Do you want to come down?" His voice was hoarse, full of temptation.
"Okay."
Cheng Jinlan threw her empty beer can in the trash and headed downstairs. No need to overthink it.
Jiang Meng was curled up in the chair, mumbling, "Where are you going?"
Cheng Jinlan helped Jiang Meng into bed and even tucked her in. "You sleep. I'm going to find a man."
Jiang Meng grabbed her hand. "Find a man to do what?"
To beat him up, of course.
Luckily her roommate came back then. Cheng Jinlan asked her roommate to take care of Jiang Meng. Her behavior was perfectly normal, except for slightly flushed cheeks and soft speech. The roommate didn't realize she was drunk at all. Cheng Jinlan took her tennis racket and left. She was going to whack him on the head with it until he was covered in lumps. Why exactly she wanted to beat him up, she couldn't remember. She just really wanted to hit him.
Cheng Jinlan walked up to him with a tennis racket slung over her shoulder, murderous aura billowing.
Seeing her like this, Shao Chengze couldn't help the upward quirk of his lips. He took off his coat and draped it over her shoulders, then pulled her into a secluded corner with dim lighting where passersby wouldn't look their way.
Cheng Jinlan broke away from his embrace and frowned. "Don't laugh."
Shao Chengze's smile only grew wider. "Why can't I laugh?"
Because when he smiled, she didn't want to hit him anymore.
Shao Chengze took her hand.
"You can't hold my hand now."
"Why can't I hold your hand?"
"Because you're about to not be my boyfriend anymore. When you're not my boyfriend, you can't hold my hand."
Shao Chengze's eyes flickered. "About to not be means I still am right now, right?"
Cheng Jinlan swayed. That was right. She hadn't broken up with him yet. She was going to do it tomorrow, not today, because he was feeling down today.
Shao Chengze pulled her into his arms. "Since I still am right now, then I can still hold your hand now."
His palm was warm, and he himself was warm. Cheng Jinlan leaned against his shoulder, hazily thinking, fine, she would let him hold her hand for today. She wouldn't let him hold her hand tomorrow.
More and more people were gathering at the dorm entrance as curfew time approached. Those going to self-study, those going on dates, all hurrying back.
Shao Chengze lowered his head next to her ear. "They're about to lock the doors. Are you going back to your dorm, or coming with me to the hotel?"
Cheng Jinlan suddenly remembered why she had come downstairs in the first place. She was here to beat him up. She raised her tennis racket to his chest, putting some distance between them. "Why are you here?"
"I came to apologize, Xiaolian. I'm sorry." Shao Chengze looked into her eyes, all the way to her heart.
Cheng Jinlan was taken aback. She didn't seem to expect he would apologize. But a voice in her mind reminded her that he owed her an apology. She just couldn't remember what he needed to apologize for.
Shao Chengze's voice was hoarse. "There have been a lot of things at work lately. And my sister's illness has worsened again, she's been hospitalized. I've been running around between the two, and possibly neglected your feelings."
It was the truth, and also an excuse.
During the winter break, he had discovered the truth behind his grandmother's death. He had also seen her and her mother, smiling more brightly than she ever did with him, in Shi Ran's Friend Circle. People were always greedy. They craved when they didn't have, and wanted more when they obtained something. The more they got, the more afraid they became of it being taken away.
He thought, since this was the case, he might as well let go. She liked Shi Ran. Her family liked Shi Ran too. No matter how you looked at it, the two of them being together would lead nowhere.
Cheng Jinlan sobered up a little. She remembered they were fighting, and she was going to break up with him. But seeing his red-rimmed eyes, her harsh tone softened. She gently asked, "How is your sister now?"
"She's stable for now."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"I'm sorry."
All he could say was sorry.
Cheng Jinlan's grip on the tennis racket relaxed. She leaned into him and murmured, "There can't be a next time."
Shao Chengze held her waist tightly. "Okay."
Cheng Jinlan looked up again. "Are you here on a business trip today?"
Shao Chengze answered, "It's a business trip, but someone else was originally supposed to come." He looked into her eyes. "I missed you, so I came instead."
His pupils were very dark, and his eye sockets were sunken, clearly from lack of rest. Cheng Jinlan's heart softened. She shook their interlocked hands. "Let's go."
"Where to?" Shao Chengze asked to confirm.
Cheng Jinlan looked at him. "You say."
Everyone on the street was walking in one direction. He held her hand and walked against the flow, in the other direction. First walking, then gradually breaking into a run.
The cold wind blew past. Cheng Jinlan's head was dizzy and muddled. She thought, she shouldn't be so spineless. He had only reddened his eyes a little, and she caved. She shouldn't go soft. She definitely shouldn't indulge this softening.
The hotel room door opened and closed again. The thick carpet let out muffled thuds from their chaotic footsteps. Before his lips descended, she was the one who bit him first. Really biting down hard. She hated her own soft heartedness, so she naturally took out this hatred on him. It was his fault for instigating it in the first place.
Perhaps the taste of blood really could make one lose control. The biting slowly turned into a scramble for breath, neither willing to admit defeat. In the pitch black room without even the lights on, as their body temperatures rose and blood flowed faster, the alcohol in her system slowly took over her body. In the exchange of saliva, it seemed Shao Chengze also became drunk. The two of them tumbled into bed, the room left with only heated, urgent panting.
At the final step, Shao Chengze regained some clarity and hit the brakes in time.
He had wanted her to come back with him to the hotel, but didn't intend for anything to happen between them. In the few months they had been together, the most chaotic time was when he ripped open her shirt, but in the end he wrapped her in a blanket and went to take a cold shower himself.
It wasn't that he didn't want to, he was just waiting. Waiting for what, he didn't know either. But at the very least, not under alcohol's influence. It shouldn't happen today.
His body was taut, his temperature scorching, yet he stopped his actions. Cheng Jinlan was left irritated and uncomfortable from the indescribable emptiness. She flipped their positions, pressing him under her, grabbing his shirt collar and asking, "Shao Chengze, are you afraid?"
Shao Chengze gently stroked her hair. "You're drunk. When you're sober, we can talk about who dares or not."
He was afraid she would regret it after waking up.
Cheng Jinlan scoffed. "You're just afraid. Don't worry, we're both adu—"
The rest of her words became muffled hums under his lips. Did she know, her every word, every breath, was a fatal allure to him?
The temperature that had just solidified in the air rose again.
At the very beginning, both of them were hurting, neither was better off than the other. Cheng Jinlan bit his shoulder when she was in pain, and Shao Chengze gently sucked on her earlobe to comfort her. He moved forward slowly and with difficulty into the deep, trembling wetness, as if penetrating to the deepest part of their souls. In the countless nights that followed, Shao Chengze would sink back into this dream, not wanting to wake up.
Cheng Jinlan was woken up by the vibration of her cell phone. She reached for her phone and brought it to her ear with a greeting.
"Jinlan, where did you go? Why didn't you come home all night?"
Hearing Jiang Meng's anxious voice, Cheng Jinlan opened her heavy eyelids, first looking at the ceiling, then turning her head towards the other side of the bed, which was empty now.
She cleared her throat, but it didn't help much, her voice still hoarse beyond recognition. "I went back and slept at my place."
As soon as Jiang Meng heard this, she knew something was off. "Don't tell me you brought some random guy back home with you?"
"No." Her voice made her denial sound too pale, although she did not actually bring a random guy back home.
"Oh no, Jinlan, you're done for. You've made up your mind about him."
Just yesterday she was talking about breaking up, and today they were back together again. This kind of fickleness was not like Cheng Jinlan at all. She had clearly fallen deep.
Cheng Jinlan buried her face in the quilt, shifting her sore waist. She retorted stubbornly, "You're thinking too much. It's just a relationship, no need to make up my mind or anything. Just passing time and having some fun."
Outside the door, Shao Chengze stopped in his tracks, his eyes turning dark and ambiguous. He clenched the box in his hand tightly, the edges of the box digging deeply into his palm, but he felt no pain.
Later on, the ring in that box eventually found its way onto Cheng Jinlan's finger.
In the tentative courting that new relationships bring, there are always many twists of fate and accidents of chance. No one could have expected that, many years later, their daughter would bring the interlocking gears back together again, giving him the chance, on their wedding day, to make good on the commitment he had wanted to promise her from the very beginning, saying it to her word for word.
The one you set your heart on at first is the one you walk hand in hand with at last.
Perhaps it was good fortune, or perhaps it was destiny.
