During dinner, it was relatively quiet. Old Master and Old Madam said more words of exhortation for them to have a good married life. Zhou Nan and Pei Jing obediently agreed. It was harmonious.
After dinner, Pei Jing went into the room to help Zhou Nan get her luggage. Old Madam even said to have them take the quilts too. Pei Jing's mother was no longer alive. Old Pei was just an old man and not attentive enough. No one would prepare these things for them.
Pei Jing said there were too many things that could not all be brought over. Old Madam then said to have them take the essentials first and leave. Whatever they couldn't take now could be mailed to them later.
Pei Jing thought it was still cold there and they might really need them, so he didn't object anymore.
An Jingzhi supported Zhou Nan in. Zhou Nan had just experienced the death of her adopted daughter. Her own daughter was also about to leave her side. She couldn't withstand the blow and fell ill. Her sickly complexion was barely holding up as she came in.
"Xiao Jing, we want to talk to Zhou Nan alone. Is that okay?" Facing Zhou Nan's impending departure seemed to evoke some pity in her. Zhou Nan's tone was pleading.
Pei Jing looked at Zhou Nan. Seeing Zhou Nan nod at him, he went out.
An Jingzhi turned around and closed the door. Then he heard Zhou Nan say, "Zhou Nan, do you hate your parents that much? You don't even want to accept our money?"
"You're thinking too much. Grandpa and Grandma have given me a dowry. Eldest sister-in-law and my brothers have all given me wedding gifts. The Pei family has also given a bride price. Pei Jing himself has also saved quite a bit of money. I don't lack money now. My three brothers are not yet married. You should keep the money for their use." Zhou Nan had no more expectations of them, but she didn't intend to completely fall out with them either.
"You say we're thinking too much, but you're actually resentful in your heart. Otherwise, why would you accept the dowry from Grandpa and Grandma, and the wedding gifts from your brothers, yet you can't accept what your parents give you?" Zhou Nan painfully twitched her nose. "Zhou Nan, no matter what, let's just say it was Mom and Dad's fault in the past. Now Meiyun is gone too. Zhou Nan, from now on Mom will only have you as a daughter. There is no question of favoritism anymore. Can you really not give us another chance?"
An Jingzhi looked at Zhou Nan complicatedly. Probably because Zhou Nan had guessed right.
What they had insisted on giving was mostly just to reassure themselves, and to show both families that they did care about Zhou Nan, but were in a difficult position between two daughters.
But now, Zhou Nan had asked so bluntly, as if tearing off the fig leaf, thoroughly exposing their thoughts.
An Jingzhi seemed to want to regain some confidence. "Your mother and I have to admit that when it came to you and Meiyun, we did unconsciously favor her. But Zhou Nan, you have to understand our position too. One was raised by us, one was our biological child. How do you think we should have acted to be most reasonable? In this child swap incident, your mother and I were the biggest victims!"
What they said was undeniable to Zhou Nan.
Indeed, they had invested so many years of feelings into Gao Meiyun. It was impossible for them to sever ties immediately.
Perhaps she was very selfish, so she understood, but did not accept.
Zhou Nan painfully twitched her nose again. "No matter what, let's just say it was Mom and Dad's mistake in the past. Meiyun is gone now too. Zhou Nan, from now on Mom will only have you as her daughter. There is no question of favoritism or no favoritism. Can you really not give us another chance?"
"So, it's precisely because I want to smooth things over from the past that I'm determined to leave here?" Zhou Nan said sarcastically, also with some relief. "I admit I lost, but I didn't lose to her. I lost to you, I lost to the position she had in your hearts."
What Zhou Nan said was undeniable to them.
Indeed, for them, those few words could easily smooth over the past. But for her, it would never pass.
"Mom, were you also a child from the countryside? Have you experienced washing clothes in icy water in the dead of winter? When your hands were covered in chilblains that bled and festered, but you still had to keep working, because you'd get beaten and scolded if you rested for even a moment.
"Oh, it was actually quite normal for families to wash clothes in the river to save firewood.
"But among those people, how many were children only a few years old?
"Do you know that they pushed me into the river from behind and watched me struggle like a dog, laughing loudly on the shore? Then I was sick for days. I barely recovered, yet was still scolded for having a worthless life, that even this couldn't kill me!
"Have you experienced not eating for days? When your stomach churns so badly from hunger, even chewing on some wild grass by the roadside tastes sweet.
"Have you been dragged by the hair and slapped?
"Have you been beaten with a burning fire stick?
"Have you had boiling water deliberately poured on you?
"Have you woken up to be humiliated and abused by a strange old man?
"...
"You haven't experienced any of this, yet you ask me to forgive with just a few words?"
Zhou Nan's barrage of questions slammed into their hearts like knives twisting them.
"Zhou Nan, Mom didn't know, Mom really didn't know any of this..." Zhou Nan cried inconsolably and looked back at An Jingzhi. "Didn't you investigate? Why didn't you find any of this? Why didn't you tell me? My child suffered so much all these years, and I was completely unaware..."
"I did ask around, but Meiyun said the Gao family people had looked for her, but she didn't believe them. She thought the Gao family was lying to her. She firmly believed she was our biological child, and was afraid, so she never dared tell us the Gao family was looking for her. I also asked around the village. They said you didn't have it very good, but no one told me you went through this..." An Jingzhi suddenly felt his throat go dry. He simply couldn't believe his daughter had been treated this way before. "No one told me. When the doors close in a powerful and shrewd family, how much can outsiders really know about what goes on inside?"
"But you really didn't know? Dad, how could a high school principal's intelligence be so low? You didn't not know, you just didn't want to know, so you deceived yourself, and arrogantly glossed things over. It's truly laughable." Zhou Nan continued, "Oh, perhaps you're still thinking that even if you didn't ask me, why didn't I say it myself?"
Zhou Nan scoffed at herself, "Because I knew clearly that you didn't care about me. Even if I said anything, it would only humiliate myself. And the people who cared about me never needed me to talk about these things. They wouldn't want me to open my old wounds for sympathy."
Just like Grandpa and Grandma. They never asked about her past, yet always loved her warmly, making her feel that all her efforts over the years were not in vain.
You all know, ever since I was little I've wondered why my parents don't like me. They clearly don't treat my older brother and sister the same way. It wasn't until I learned about my background that I finally understood. I was secretly happy at one point, thinking it wasn't because of me they didn't like me, but because they had ghosts in their hearts. The day I found the Zhou family, I was full of hope. But after waiting for three whole days, I realized that perhaps my hopeful heart was merely my own wishful thinking. I held the joy of finding my biological parents in my heart, yet my biological parents did not look forward to my arrival, because my arrival disrupted your peaceful, beautiful lives. From when you said I should go back and live peacefully with Gao Meiyun, to when you gave me the name An Mexia, to when you'd agreed with Fourth Brother to let me stay in his room yet still tried to make me live with Gao Meiyun first - I realized you were constantly testing my attitude. If I had obediently gone along with your arrangements, meek and timid, then both I and Gao Meiyun could have stayed in this family. To you, that outcome would have been a win-win for everyone. But that's not who I am, so I moved into Fourth Brother's room. You understood my attitude then, yet kept trying to test me in order to achieve your own goals. You never loved me; you were just suddenly struck with guilt at having lost a daughter. But sadly, even that guilt was only temporary. So when I started to show a rebellious attitude, you felt I was ungrateful and immature. In truth I was indeed like that - I had compromised for 18 years in the Gao family, only to end up being sold. If I had to keep compromising even after returning to my own family, what meaning would there have been in my coming back?
Seeing them gradually fall apart under my words, Xia suddenly didn't understand - what was the point of all this?
She had thought the best way for them to get along would be to deal with it all indifferently - she would no longer expect parental love from them, and they wouldn't expect her to be a good daughter. They could maintain a superficial family bond, and that would be enough.
But they were determined to disrupt that peace, yet seemed unable to bear the tidal wave that came after breaking it.
Perhaps in this moment, they were still blaming her in their hearts - why couldn't she be more sensible? More willing to turn a blind eye?
Gao Meiyun was already dead. As long as she was willing to continue pretending nothing had happened, everything could go on as before, and she could enjoy her parents' love alone.
But she didn't want that.
She didn't want a love that could only fall upon her after Gao Meiyun's death.
It made her feel like a beggar, as if she only deserved everyone else's hand-me-downs.
